My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.