I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
awesome draft from months ago i just found
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.