*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it