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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I don’t think my car can fly
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh