I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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Britain be like
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
How to properly lift a body
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read