Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
time machine? you mean a clock?
🤭😂
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.