All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
oppen heimer style lol
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Lmaoo 😂
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”