*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You Might Also Like
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
$3 #books
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Lmbo
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars