Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.