Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”