On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Children of the corn 🌽
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
🙋♀️
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.