After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN