Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.