Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.