Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Our lord and savoury.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”