DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
No way!
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.