A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
You Might Also Like
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Just say no
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-