(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD