Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
fourth time’s the charm
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.