Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
adding to the discourse
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search