Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out