“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
🛁
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”