Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.