[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
True
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
back to work