When your man makes a valid point
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me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
That lamp looks PISSED.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?