ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.