My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.