[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
You Might Also Like
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.