Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You Might Also Like
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
This could’ve been an email.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.