given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
an octopus is just a wet spider
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.