Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
that de-escalated quickly
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”