My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.