I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender