therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
😩😩😩
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”