#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
You Might Also Like
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
lol
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I created you as mosquito food.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.