Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.