I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.