Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Is your wife single?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay