The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?