Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.