I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday