ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book