a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin