sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
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My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out