Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Can’t. Being lazy.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*