You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
back to work
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.