I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
You Might Also Like
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Ion see the issue
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.