man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what