I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time