I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.